Defeat
by MairiNathaira
Summary: Remus reflects on the last night he and James share together. SLASH! RLJP


**Title**: Defeat

**Author**: Mairi Nathaira

**Rating**: PG-13

**Category**: Angst, Drama, AU

**Notes**: Part of the Fallen: Remus/James Autumn Fuh-Q-Fest () using the challenge # 29 - James is seeing both Remus and Lily. When he decides to propose to Lily, he goes to see Remus one last time before they become "just friends" again. Thanks to Ashe and Dementor Delta for betaing.  Also thank you so much Ashe for the title.

**Summary**: Remus reflects on the last night he and James share together.

**Pairing**: RL/JP

**Warnings**: Slash

**Dedications**: None

**Disclaimer**: Harry Potter belongs to Warner Brothers and the wonderful JK Rowling. I do not own them, despite the fact I wish I could own SS, RL, and SB. The only thing that belongs to me is the story itself.

**Feedback**: mairi@aigoo-chamna.net All comments and criticisms are welcomed there. If it's flame then don't bother for I will put them in my trashcan or blog about it and laugh at you.

**

Today is our last night together.  I can feel it in my bones.

I don't want our relationship to end.  I dread it.

Yet, I understand it all together.

I know you are cheating with Lily.  I didn't do anything to stop it.  What is there for me to prevent you from seeing her?  She's not an accursed beast like I am.  She is so perfect and normal.

She has what I could never have:  normalcy.

Normal…what is the definition of that word?  Normal is something I was before that night.  But that is all gone now.  For the rest of my life, I will be shunned from society.

Lily…perfect Lily.  She's a beautiful young woman.  Her tall, slender frame is a perfect match for you.  The way her gorgeous red hair tumbles down her shoulder just enhances her beauty.  Her bright green eyes, the colour of emerald, look deep into your soul.

No wonder you prefer her to me.

I'm a fool to believe that you'd stay with me forever.  No one would want to stay with me.  I hate self-pity, but this is more than so…this is reality for me.  

I am at the shack now.  This is where we always meet.  You'd somehow get Sirius and Peter to go on a wild goose chase and sneak over here.  The Marauders' Map has been taken away by Filch, and the other two aren't able to look at it to see where we are.

It is so cold.  Even the warming charm didn't help the freezing breezes.  The weather is so dark and gloomy; that fits my mood perfectly.  

I sense you coming through the secret passage.  You have on your invisibility cloak, but I always know when you are around.  You take off your cloak, and I see you standing there.

I try to smile, and I fail.  

You, on the other hand, smile and ask me how I am.  I answer shortly saying I'm fine.

I didn't want the next events to come.  I know what is coming.

I see you walk closer to me.  You start kissing me slowly; I feel your slick tongue seeking entrance, and I surrender to you.

The way you kiss makes me forget about everything in the world.  I try to enjoy it, and I moan into your mouth.  Deep in my heart, I wonder if this is how you kiss Lily now.  You said that I was your first and that kissing a girl was very awkward.  I doubt it's awkward now.

While we are kissing, you manoeuvre us towards the bed.  I feel the bed on the back of my legs, and I fall back on it, tumbling both of us onto the bed.  I grab and hold onto you tightly, making sure this is reality, and you are not an apparition.  Oh, Merlin.  I do not want this night to end.

You are making love to me for one last time.  I enjoy every moment of it; I memorise every movement and sound we make.   This is too surreal.  I try to hold onto the pleasure you give me, but it will soon drift away…

We cuddle till we get our strength back.  The way you simply cuddle me just spins my world.  When did I become so addicted to you in such a short period of time?  Your touches, your voice, your unkempt hair…I just love everything about you.

And now you are here to take that away from me.

As much as I love you, I feel hatred towards you for that one moment.  Not only you, but I also feel contempt  for Lily; to that werewolf that changed my life; and to me. Above all, I hate myself for being cursed.  

You look apologetic and sombre, so unlike your arrogant, cheery self.  You tell me that this has to end.  You say you are engaged to Lily now.  You look at me closely for any kind of reaction that might have set me off.

I want to scream and cry.  I want to beg on my knees for you to not go.  I want time to stop at the instant we were cuddling.  I want to hit you for cheating on me.  

Yet, I do nothing. 

Instead, I smile and congratulate you.  I say that I understand your predicament and that Lily is perfect for you.

Your face brightens with a huge smile.  I force myself to smile as well.  You say that I'm the best for understanding you.  But I don't.  I don't understand anything anymore.

You get up and get dressed.  You ask if I am going back to Hogwarts with you.  I shake my head.  You say you will see me later.  I nod.

Once I know you are out of bounds, I curl up in a foetal position.  

The only thing I can do now is to cry.  I do, and I don't stop.

I've lost you to Lily…I admit defeat.

Completed December 1, 2003


End file.
